I said no....

[arib]

I just don’t get it.

Crystal invited me to join her at an Anne Heaton concert tonight at ten. I begged off, because I need to wake up at 5:30 every morning, and haven’t been sleeping well all week. I even drifted off at work yesterday and today.

I’m a little upset that I’m missing Anne Heaton, who I positively adore, but I’m more upset that I chose not to hang out with Crystal. She means a lot to me. Previous relationship or not, whether we end up back together at some future time or not, I still want to be a part of her life, and want her to be part of mine. I even found myself asking if I’d have turned her down if we were still dating. I do not need my brain doing this to me, filling me with all sorts of self-doubt and recriminations now that I’ve finally started to kick this whole “turn everything into a psychodrama” shtick that I’ve been doing for the past year or so. I could’ve asked if she wanted to grab dinner earlier in the evening, or if she wanted to hang out or something before heading off to the concert.

Hell, I’ll be hanging out with her on Monday when we go to Aikido (which I’m sure is just an excuse for her to throw me across the room, really….) So, I shouldn’t complain. It’s just, we’ve finally started to break through some of the awkwardness, and we had a conversation a few days ago that really broke through a lot of walls, and here I am freaking out. We’ll be okay, I know, but… feh.

I just don’t get it.

Comments

[mycroft.livejournal.com]

Hm, I didn't know Anne was playing nearby tonight.

Re:

[arib.livejournal.com]

Yeah, Bentley College at 10PM, I think...

[mycroft.livejournal.com]

Yah, I looked it up on her web site. Too late for me. Oh well.

[rosefox]

Dearheart, has it occurred to you that you taking care of yourself is--in the short and long run--better for both of you and for your relationship, whatever form it takes, than running yourself into the ground in the name of a few extra minutes together?

[chaiya.livejournal.com]

Yay, Rose. Thank you. I feel completely incapable of responding, and you said exactly what needed to be said.

Re:

[arib.livejournal.com]

Honestly, no. It never quite occurred to me.

I take care of other people much better than I take care of myself. Whether it's listening to a friend who's having a crisis, bringing a bucket to a hungover roommate, or taking care of a relationship partner in the various and sundry ways that's done.

I can't, or don't, step out of the box enough to see when I need to take care of myself. It's not that I don't value myself, because I really do. I just feel that other people need my attention more than I need it.

I'm the most introverted extrovert I know. :-)

[rosefox]

Well, it sounds like you developed some reasonably healthy behavior patterns in spite of this, since you did say no. *) Does it help to think of helping yourself as a way of helping your relationships and helping other people? "Please put your own oxygen mask on first and then help the person next to you", etc. If you're worn to pieces, you're no good to anyone.